


grief is just love with nowhere to go

by radialDespair



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Grief, and got a lot more yasha than the original concept had?, but thats good because i love her, honestly this is kind of weird, i love them all honestly, it started as wanting to write about revivify and it morphed, the traveller is kind of a prick here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 21:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17650202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radialDespair/pseuds/radialDespair
Summary: All things considered, Jester felt things could have gone better. It had begun when Yasha had, somewhat hesitantly, asked Caduceus if he could ask his goddess where Zuala was, as she had a great many flowers to give her, now, and they were about where Yasha thought she had been.





	grief is just love with nowhere to go

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote this over the weekend, in between bits of coursework, and it's not been anything even approaching edited, so I'm sorry for any typos or sentences that don't make sense.

All things considered, Jester felt things could have gone better. It had begun when Yasha had, somewhat hesitantly, asked Caduceus if he could ask his goddess where Zuala was, as she had a great many flowers to give her, now, and they were about where Yasha thought she had been.

Caduceus had smiled encouragingly, and asked the Wildmother where they would need to go to give Yasha’s wife some flowers. She had replied, and after Yasha told the rest of the Nein about what had happened, they had changed direction - they had been travelling west, to return to the empire, and the Wildmother had told Caduceus that Zuala’s grave lay to the north - though, when he spoke with Jester, as they prepared food that evening, he mentioned the deep sadness that had filled her voice, that he had never heard from her before.

That night, as she took the second watch - with Beau, by necessity almost as much as by choice; they had become used to each other’s breathing, after rooming together for so long, and it was difficult to adjust, with their nerves being as they were, in the middle of the Xhorhasian wastes - she heard the Traveller speak in her ear, too quiet for Beau to pick up.

“This is a dangerous path. Turn south again for me, little one. I fear I may lose you, so far from home”

Jester scowled, and opened her mouth to respond.

“Uhh, Jes? You look kinda pissed. Everything okay?”

She felt the breath on her left ear fade, as the Traveller departed. She turned to her right, smiling at Beau, who was looking at her, worry plain on her face. That was rare. Beau didn’t often show her emotions so readily, but she supposed, they were best friends. And they were alone, which was when Beau always showed more emotion.

“I’m fine, Beau! It’s just Yasha’s tribe! What an awful thing to do!”

Beau sighed, and shifted along the log, bringing herself up next to Jester, wrapping one arm around her shoulders as Jester leant in, trying to feel bad about lying to Beau, as the other girl whispered reassurances to her as they stood watch. It was hard to feel bad, though, when lying had gotten Beau to hold her like this.

The rest of the watch passed much faster; obviously it did, it’s much easier to zone out when you’re warm and safe, and at this moment in time, Jester couldn’t imagine anywhere warmer or safer than here, with her head resting on Beau’s shoulder as the other woman talked to her, telling her that everything would be fine. 

 

It was the next day, that things had soured. Following Caduceus’ directions, they had found where Zuala lay. It had been Beau that had found her, just by chance, as they had looked around the cave Caduceus had directed them to - the wastes were full of small caves, left behind by past volcanic activity. 

“Oh this is such shit. Yasha, I think I found her?” Beau had called. Even from across the cave, where she had been trying to cast locate object - Yasha had told them about a necklace she had given Zuala, and shown them the other half of the symbol at its centre, but that hadn’t been quite enough for Jester to find it, yet - Jester could tell that from Beau’s voice that this was not a good discovery. 

The Nein gathered where Beau had been searching - she had found an alcove, partially hidden behind a stalagmite. Within it was a small pile of scorched bones. Unburied, the flesh burnt away, and the bones cast aside in a cave. Beau was ashen, sympathy plain on her face. Jester glanced at the rest of the mighty nine. Caleb was stricken, eyes fixed, staring as though looking at something a very long way way. Nott looked horrified, eyes flicking from the bones to Yasha, imagining how she would feel, were they to find Yeza like this. Caduceus looked sad, recognising the source of the Wildmother’s melancholy. Fjord just sighed heavily, saddened but not surprised. Yasha was silent, her eyes dark. Jester thought she could see unshed tears in her eyes, but perhaps she imagined it.

Yasha stepped forwards, brushing aside the comforting hand Fjord placed on her shoulder. 

She murmured something in a language Jester did not understand, and reached a shaking hand into her bag, bringing out her book of flowers. All at once, the rest of the nein felt intrusive, as Yasha began to weep. 

They split up, awkwardly finding positions around the cave to wait.

 

Time passed, Yasha’s voice was quiet, but carried in the silence. Jester didn’t know how long they were there, trying not to disturb Yasha as she grieved for her wife. 

Eventually, at around midday, they were interrupted. An older human woman, with a familiar cast to her, but not one that Jester knew, entered the cave, flanked by several others, eyes hard. 

“I thought it would be you that violated Traitors’ End, Orphanmaker.” 

Yasha stood at that, the magician’s judge already in her hands.

“You didn’t bury her.” Her voice was quiet. Even.

“Matethieves are traitors, orphanmaker. You knew that. You killed enough of them for me, didn’t you?”

Yasha growled, stepped forwards, and battle was joined.

They began the fight in the cool, dim light of the cave, but drifted out, until they were under the glare of the midday sun.

It was not a fight that went well. Fjord took a hammer to the chest that threw him against a rock, where he lay, groaning. Caleb was hit by a succession of arrows from the rocks, and collapsed with a sigh, the only sign of life being the occasional spell that still flew from his hand.

Jester had found herself, through the flow of the battle, face to face with the old lady. As she tried to fight her, Jester found herself being pushed backwards. It wasn’t long before she blocked a spearstrike with her shield, only to find that as the old lady pulled back her spear, Jester’s shield went with it. The spear flicked around, sending Jester’s shield flying, and the butt caught her in the face.

As Jester lay on the ground, her vision whited out, she heard a voice in her ear again.

“What did I tell you, little Sapphire. I warned you not to go, and all things have a price…”

She blinked, wiping her eyes. The old woman was striding forwards, the spear raised to strike. Jester closed her eyes.

She heard the grunt as the old woman thrust her spear forwards. She heard a cry, and the flapping of cloth, and she heard, but did not feel, the spear impacting flesh. 

Opening her eyes, Jester saw Beau, eyes wide. 

“Hey, Jes.” Beau tried to smile, but it faltered as she sank to her knees, staring dumbly at the point of the spear, protruding from her chest. Blood began to soak through, darkening her robe. She coughed some up, staining her chin. “Sorry.”

The speartip was pulled back, accompanied by a spurt of more blood, soaking the ground, and Beau’s eyes flashed bright with pain, then dulled.

“No. Beau, no no no.” Jester could hear herself talking, but she wasn’t thinking anything, as she moved towards her. Rain began to fall, as Jester pulled the monk’s head into her lap, brushing her hair out of her eyes. “Please, Beau. Please don’t leave me.”

Rain began to fall, and Jester pulled Beau closer, trying to hold in the warmth that was already starting to leach out of her.

She began to search through her pockets, as lightning flashed. She had one. She knew it. They’d found it. She’d kept it, because she wasn’t going to let this happen. Not again. She wouldn’t be helpless again. Tears began to mix with the rain, but she found it.  
Pulling the diamond free, Jester pressed it against Beau’s heart.

“You don’t get to die after making me fall in love with you, Beau.”

She kissed her, gently, and let the diamond sink into Beau’s skin. 

She pulled back, and watched Beau’s body, hope already fading.

“Beau!” Someone shouted, miles from her. She looked up, into the darkness of the storm, to see Caleb looking at them, struggling to his feet. She blinked. When had it gotten so dark?

Looking around, still numb, she saw Yasha. Great skeletal wings burst from her back, and lightning crackled between them. The Magician’s Judge flashed, as Yasha advanced. Desperately trying to retreat before her was the old woman. The one who killed Beau. Jester narrowed her eyes, preparing to- Something. She would do something. Something to hurt this woman who took Beau from her.

A cough, so quiet she almost couldn’t hear it against the storm, snapped her attention back. 

Beau looked up at her, blood still trickling from the corner of her mouth. She smiled weakly.

“Hell of an act to follow, Jes.”

Jester wasn’t listening. She pulled Beau up by the scruff of her robes, and kissed her desperately.

Somewhere else, a Fallen Aasimar killed the woman who murdered her wife. Somewhere else, a man sank back into the mud in relief, as his closest friend returned from the dead. Somewhere else, a half-orc coughed up a lungful of seawater as he tried to stand. Somewhere else. Here? Here, Jester held on tight, and swore to never let go again.

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure, this was meant to just be about Jester kissing Beau to cast revivify, but now there's a whole load about Yasha, which is great, because I love her. But still, that's how it is sometimes.
> 
> I'm not necessarily super happy with the fic as a whole, but it's finished, and that's pretty rare for stuff I write, so there's that, at least.


End file.
